Roommates

Tonight I was sitting in the living room of my apartment with my computer on my lap, with two of my roommates doing the same thing. The TV was on and no one was watching it. We three tend to somehow end up in the same spot while "doing homework," whether that be in the living room, at the kitchen counter, or in the library. Usually this is how the beginnings of these meetings go:


Me- "I hate homework."
Claire- "Me too. I'm losing."
Me- "Damnit Claire! Don't mention spider solitaire or I'll play it too! Now look what you've done. Now I'm playing it."
Claire- "Pah! Not my fault! It's actually YOUR fault you got me addicted to this stupid game."
Katie- "Look at all these books I have to read. I hate thesis stuff."
Claire- "You should learn how to play spider solitaire, I can't believe you dont know how."
Me- "Yeah Katie! Learn! It'll be good for you."
Katie- "No."
Me- "Fine. I want wine. Claire? Would you like some wine?"
Claire- "No..."
Me- "Are you suuuure? It's really good!"
Claire- "No... okay fine. I love wine."


And then we drink wine and go about procrastinating our homework. On this particular night, I had my iTunes playing in the background. And then a Backstreet Boys song came on. And of course, we three had to go through all the good Backstreet Boys AND N'sync songs, singing them loudly and hand dancing in our seats, reminiscing about middle school, before we could even begin to think about our looming homework again. We were very surprised that Julie didn't come out of her room and give us her usual look. The oh-god-these-girls-are-crazy-alcoholics-I-cant-believe-I-live-here-but-I-like-them-anyways look.

The thing about roommates is that they're like your stand-in family for about 8 months out of the year. This is a pretty significant time period, and because of this, they become a significant part of your life; the people you stay up late with and talk about your problems to, the people you drink wine with at the end of the day, the people who you convince to go with you to buy that 5 dollar pizza because you can't eat it all yourself, the people who come with you to get a tattoo... the people you bitch to about all the crap you have to do. It's times like these, when I'm singing Backstreet Boys at the top of my lungs, that I think we're crazy, but of course in the best way possible, because we get each other and that's all that really matters.

Worst feelings

One of the worst feelings is walking off the dance floor when a slow song comes on, then sitting on the side, trying to pretend you're totally cool with it. And when you burn dinner and you've worked so hard to make it. Not having enough time. Being in a fight but not knowing what to say. Job searching. Hearing late at night that your sister was in a car wreck. A sick baby. Being unsure. Realizing that your dreams have been replaced by reality. Watching a movie your mom thinks is vulgar, while you chuckle awkwardly. Feeling embarassed. Shame. Moldy cheese. Not having enough money. Going to the beach just to find that it's cloudy and rainy. Having to learn a dance routine the morning before you're supposed to perform, and that gut sickness you get right before you have to go out there and act confident with it, knowing that everyone is watching you try not to fail. Letting down someone you love. Watching your life fall to pieces. Divorce. Driving away from your little brother as he waves until you're out of sight. He gets smaller and smaller, and you're watching him the entire time as he jumps up and down and swings his arm around as hard as he can, and you're heart breaks a little bit as he stands there, watching you leave him behind. And I know that after I'm gone, he hangs his head for a moment, grabs our dog Cecil who has been keeping him company during this goodbye, and heads back into the house. His attention will soon be directed elsewhere; perhaps by his dad, or the tv, or his trucks, or even by a fly, but knowing he missed me in those few moments, and knowing I had to go... that's a heartache in itself. This is also a blessing. A blessing, knowing that this child loves me enough to stand there in the middle of the road and watch my car drive away until he can't see it anymore. A blessing that he's there in the first place. A blessing that though life didnt take the path we thought it would, and it looked as if those worst feelings would overtake us, it brought us something so precious in return.

Fireflies

I think I've seen a firefly one time in my life. We were on vacation and staying in a hotel, on the east coast. It's a very vague memory, but I remember sitting in a swimming pool, and not believing my eyes. Really? A firefly?? I always heard about the romance of chasing fireflies on summer nights, but having grown up on the west coast, the adventure of our summer evenings resides in campfires and shooting stars and the rare thunderstorm. So seeing that firefly there, dancing in it's own shimmering light, really caught my attention. I sat there wondering how high I'd have to jump to be able to catch one. Maybe I'd put it in a mason jar, just like they say you should. But what is the fun in keeping it locked up? Isn't it more fun to chase it around and around with your sisters, laughing and running and hoping that maybe one time when you opened your grasping hands, you would jump back in surprise? You caught it without realizing it, admired it for that one moment, and suddenly it flittered back into the sky. Just like dreams. They float around just above your head, dancing and shimmering in their playful light; trying to catch it takes gumption and laughter, and when you do finally surprise yourself at achieving one, you blink, it's gone, and you're onto the next dream, the next firefly, the next adventure. And when you excitedly tell your mother about it the next morning, you say, "I caught that dream mom! It took me hours and hours, and I was exhausted by the end, but I finally caught it, admired it, reveled in it, and let it go. Now someone else can catch it too!" And your mom smiles like moms do, nods her head and says, "Well done baby. Well done."