Worst feelings

One of the worst feelings is walking off the dance floor when a slow song comes on, then sitting on the side, trying to pretend you're totally cool with it. And when you burn dinner and you've worked so hard to make it. Not having enough time. Being in a fight but not knowing what to say. Job searching. Hearing late at night that your sister was in a car wreck. A sick baby. Being unsure. Realizing that your dreams have been replaced by reality. Watching a movie your mom thinks is vulgar, while you chuckle awkwardly. Feeling embarassed. Shame. Moldy cheese. Not having enough money. Going to the beach just to find that it's cloudy and rainy. Having to learn a dance routine the morning before you're supposed to perform, and that gut sickness you get right before you have to go out there and act confident with it, knowing that everyone is watching you try not to fail. Letting down someone you love. Watching your life fall to pieces. Divorce. Driving away from your little brother as he waves until you're out of sight. He gets smaller and smaller, and you're watching him the entire time as he jumps up and down and swings his arm around as hard as he can, and you're heart breaks a little bit as he stands there, watching you leave him behind. And I know that after I'm gone, he hangs his head for a moment, grabs our dog Cecil who has been keeping him company during this goodbye, and heads back into the house. His attention will soon be directed elsewhere; perhaps by his dad, or the tv, or his trucks, or even by a fly, but knowing he missed me in those few moments, and knowing I had to go... that's a heartache in itself. This is also a blessing. A blessing, knowing that this child loves me enough to stand there in the middle of the road and watch my car drive away until he can't see it anymore. A blessing that he's there in the first place. A blessing that though life didnt take the path we thought it would, and it looked as if those worst feelings would overtake us, it brought us something so precious in return.