The Best Pick-Up Line You Will Ever Hear

The best line I have ever heard in my entire life is so good, so awesome, so ridiculously ridiculous, that you will have to quote it at some point in your life just because you heard it this one time. Are you ready? Brace yourself, its.....

No! I can't tell you yet. It's too good. I need to build up to it first. Because you need the story to fully appreciate it. Or perhaps you don't, I just need more time before I give you the best pick-up line of your life. I'm not gonna give it up that easily. I ain't no whore. You gotta work for it.

It happened my senior year of college, when Claire and I were visiting Julie at her apartment in Portland. We had been out dancing with Julie's roommate and her friends. We came back to Julie's apartment before everyone else because we were exhausted and her roommates friends party HARD. Julie went straight to her room and passed out, while Claire and I were sharing the futon in her living room. I was JUST about asleep when they all came loudly stumbling back into the apartment. There were four of them. Julie's roommate and her boyfriend went instantly into her room. I know this not because I saw it (my head was covered by blankets), but because two doors slammed (front door, bedroom door) and could practically hear them ripping off their clothes.

The last two decided to stand in the kitchen and have a nice little conversation. The kitchen was about 15 feet from where I was sleeping, and if I had see-through-blanket vision, I would have seen them standing there, leaning against the counter, chatting away. I was trying not to listen but suddenly I couldn't help it, as the game began. The game of trying-to-get-a-girl-into-your-bed.

"I don't know..." She said, sounding coy.
"Why not? I don't live very far from here, just like 15 blocks."
"I don't know..." She said again. I think she probably mixed up the I-don't-know's with other phrases that mean the same thing, but I can't remember them.
"You are just so beautiful and I just want to kiss you."
"I don't know..."
"My apartment is just like 10 blocks from here. It's really close."
 "I don't know..."
" I just had such a great time tonight with you, it would be fun."
"I don't know..."

This went on for what seemed like an HOUR. This guy was really trying his best to get some action. Suddenly there was a break in the game plan when Julie's roommate started making loud sex noises. The two in the kitchen paused...
"...She's totally faking it." Coy Bitch said.
"I know, it's ridiculous. There's no way he's that good." Dumbass said.

Then it continued.
"Are you sure? My place is about 7 blocks from here."
"I don't know..."

And then he said it. HE SAID IT. Are you ready?! BRACE YOURSELF FOR SOME HARDCORE PICKUP LINE DANCING! Here it goes:

"I can't be chastised for what I'm thinking in my head. And what I'm thinking is: You. Me. Rolling around in my bed. Naked."

AHHHHH!!!! I had to bite the inside of my cheek to stop from laughing out loud, I was dangerously close to giving away my position of being awake and fully aware of what was going on. All I could think was, OH MY GOD. Claire BETTER be awake because there is NO WAY I could ever describe this to her! CONTROL YOURSELF, no laughing! CLAIRE HAS TO BE AWAKE. THAT WAS SO AWESOME.

I'm pretty sure she never actually stated that she wanted to leave and go have some drunken sex at his place, but they finally left soon after this comment and I ripped the blanket off of me.

"CLAIRE?!" I whispered loudly. "ARE YOU AWAKE?!"

Claire sat up and stared at me. "YES!! Can you believe that?!" We lapsed into uncontrollable laughter for about 10 minutes, or at least until we heard them coming back in the apartment. We quickly pretended to be asleep but I think they had a suspicion that we were awake now, because I could feel their suspicions stares as they went into Julie's roommates room where apparently the sex had stopped and the loud party had began.

And there. That is the best pick-up line I have ever heard in my life. He can't be chastised! Not for what he's thinking in his head! You. Me. Rolling around in my bed. Naked.

If you ever dare to use this line, and it actually ends up working out for you, you will be my hero.

My Summary Sentences

It is strange to me to think that in the future I will look back on this time in my life and simply say, "I lived in Portland with my best friends and worked at an immigration law firm in Salem," and this could easily summarize the past year. And then maybe I would just move on in the conversation and talk about something else. Every smaller detail beyond that would require more conversation or perhaps it would come up in a different setting under a different topic, or just never come up at all. Like right now. I am sitting in my bedroom at my moms house and I'm watching a Hillary Duff movie because even though she is a ridiculous actress and I want to slap her when she trys to be emotional, her silly stories are entertaining enough to watch alone on a Saturday night after everyone else has gone to bed and there is nothing else to do. So you see, that lame story I just told would probably never have been mentioned again in my life if I hadn't said it now, because who cares? But this is my reality right now, and it seems weird that it is probably a moment I won't think about again.

Even the slighlty more memorable moments, like last Thursday when Claire, Julie and I pooled our change together so that we could buy a box of wine. We eventually came up with 15 dollars, drove to Fred Meyer, and spent about 10 whole minutes trying to pay for the wine at the self check-out stand because the damn machine would only take one quarter for every two we put in. The woman supervising was staring at us during this process, which was a little noisy as we were flinging change into the machine while cussing and laughing, and said, "You girls must really want that wine." To which we enthusiastically agreed, and then high-fived each other when we finally had shoved enough quarters in to pay for the whole thing. Even this story would probably only be told a few times to a few people, and then be forgotten until one day in the distant future, one of us said, "Remember that time we paid for boxed wine with all quarters?" And we would all laugh and high-five each other again.

And finally, the "moments." The moments that stay with us forever and would probably come up in conversation but still will never be portrayed in that first and most important sentence. Like when we finally received the work visa for this woman who is married to a US citizen but has been treated so cruelly by him and could never get away because she had no way to support herself or her children without being able to get a job legally. She hugged me at least three times the day she came in to get her visa, brought us flowers, couldn't stop thanking me, and had to leave because she was going to start crying. We truly gave her her freedom; freedom from abuse, freedom from poverty, freedom from shame. And that is the day I finally understood the meaning of the word. All these years I have been hearing "freedom" and never could comprehend it because I already had it. I can't describe how it feels to give this most precious gift to someone who truly needs and deserves it.

These moments will live with me forever. But they still don't appear in the summary that is that one sentence describing this part of my life. I can say, "I spent a year in Spain teaching English," and that can explain my entire trip to Spain. So much happened in that year that made me the person who I am today, but that isn't portrayed in this one important sentence. I learned that living in another country is still living, just in another country. It isn't full of splendors all the time; sometimes it sucks, just like life at home. I still had to pay rent and electricity and go to work and buy food and there were still mundane moments. I also learned how to travel in Europe, and I know now that I could return alone and feel completely comfortable getting around and finding places to stay. I learned that feeling productive and worthwhile is the most important thing you could do for yourself, and without that, homesickness and depression can easily overtake you. I learned that a hair dryer can also be used as a clothes dryer as well as a heater. I learned how to pack lightly. I learned not to smoke weed in the back room of a bar with people I just met. I learned some Polish words. I learned loads of Spanish words. I learned that almost everyone in hostels are looking to meet new people, just start with the standard question, "Where are you from?" And I learned that even though it was wonderful and hard and exciting and crazy, that this experience was mine, it was perfect, and I wouldn't change anything about it.

But these things are not included in these one summary sentences! I could talk for days about them. "I went to high school." That was four years of experiences. "I went to Linfield College, and it was awesome." Four more years. "I lived in Spain and taught English." Another year. "I live in Portland with my best friends and work at a law firm." Another year. This will go on for the rest of my life, accumulating sections of my story into short sentences. So the only way to portray everything behind that sentence is to keep talking...

I guess that's what conversations are for.

Dads Always Win

As a child, my dad was a fantastic dad. I'm not saying he's not amazing now, but my dad has a way with kids; There is nothing he wouldn't do for them, for us. When we used to live in town, the neighbor kids would knock on the door and ask my mom, "Can Doug come out and play?" He just thrives around children, and he would spend hours entertaining us. He used to tell us "Crystal Stories," stories he made up on the spot that always had a good and timely moral. He had us kids entertained and always left my mom crying she was laughing so hard at the adult humor he threw in for her benefit. He used to take us on motorcycle rides. He would let us put his hair up into twenty different stubby ponytails and dance around to the little keyboard we had. He would play "bloody murder" with us and our friends at birthday parties and sleepovers, a sort of extreme, nocturnal hide-and-seek game that involved a terrifying chase by him to base.

He blasted "The Drums" (Money for Nothing by Dire Straits) in his truck so loud that it rocked our very souls as we all banged away to the music on our own invisible drum sets. He would give us horse-back rides at just one request and try to knock us off. He used to turn off all the lights in the gym after his basketball practices and chase us through the darkness, our screeches and laughter bouncing off the walls and magnifying the exhilaration. And afterwards as we were driving home, whenever we saw a "Stop" sign, he would become very scared and say, "Pots ('Stop' backwards) and wolves are chasing us!" And we would squeal in excited terror as we 'ran away' from such scary things. There is nothing our dad wouldn't do for us, except one thing...

Shopping.

When Laurie was new to our family, she decided it would be a great family thing if my dad came with us to go shopping for school clothes. My dad refused. But Laurie had her ways, and eventually there my dad was, in the front seat, going shopping. His worst nightmare.

Laurie tried hard to get him to participate. She made us show him what we had picked out, she had him go with us to find new things, she had him take a look at what we had tried on. I think he tried, but eventually, my dad cracked.

"Hey, baby." I looked around, confused. Being around 10 and not familiar with pick-up lines, I wasn't immediately able to recognize the sounds of flirting. But then I spotted my dad. He was raising his eyebrows and smiling at... a mannequin.

"Dad..." I started.

My dad ignored me. "Hey, you're looking goooood tonight." he said to the mannequin. He winked at her and put his arm around her. "I think you and me could have a good time."

My sisters showed up. "Dad!" They both yelled, "What are you doing?!" Dad ignored them and continued to flirt with this mannequin. "Baby, you are just so cute, what do you say we get out of here?" We were all now giggling at him, as passersby stared.

Suddenly Laurie showed up. "Douglas, what are you doing?" She asked, not amused.

"Ooh, I don't think my girlfriend is very happy with me." He said to the mannequin, and we left her behind while Laurie tried one last time, in vain, to get him to participate. As we were walking back to the kids section, my dad suddenly froze. His eyes were bulging and his hands were on his throat. Suddenly he took a huge, loud, obnoxious breath of air and yelled, "I CAN'T BREATHE!! I'M SUFFOCATING!!" He continued to claw at his own throat and take loud gulps of air. "HELP ME!" He motioned towards my sisters and I to help him.

"Dad! Stop it!" we were begging, half giggling, half mortified. People were DEFINITELY staring now.

"I CAN'T BREEEEEEATHE!!!"

"FINE!" Laurie yelled. "We're going home!" My dad suddenly stood upright and was back to normal, as if none of this had just happened. We left the clothes we were going to buy, gave up on going to any other stores, and headed home.

And since then, my dad has never been asked to go with us shopping again. Dads always win.