"Being hungover is the best! I love feeling like a moldy half-baked hot pocket filled with cat vomit!" Said no one EVER.
Most people's mantra when hungover is, as we all know, "I am NEVER drinking AGAIN."
And then we go and do it again. Why is that? You think we would have learned the first twenty times it happened, right? You would think that, when someone suggests a third drink, you might sit back and think, Hmm. Let's take a step back for a second. Remember the last time you had more than two drinks? It turned into six and then you almost smashed your roommates computer with a stick and then tried to come in to your other roommate's room to hang out with her and her boyfriend, who very well could have been not wearing clothes at the time, though you wouldn't know because you were oblivious to your surroundings and to normal social conduct? Yeah. So maybe put that third drink down and grab some WATER, FOOL.
But no, by that third drink, we are having such a great time that for some reason that Good Decisions for the Future sensor turns off and has gone out dancing, leaving you alone to make your own decisions with no foresight. "Adios, muthafucka" it says as it waves to you from the back of Word Filter's motorcycle, and the two ride off into the dark together leaving you to fend for yourself, with only PartyRockerTime and Obliviousness as your companions. But you don't care, because Good Decisions for the Future has left you with nothing.
So you party, and you dance. And, of course, you drink more. And you say things you don't mean and you do things that are plain stupid. And the next morning, PartyRockerTime and Obliviousness have deserted you like an ugly one night stand, and you are left with your head in your hands while the other two are back, whispering in your ear, What the hell were you THINKING. We leave for a FEW HOURS and you do that?! You idiot. Here, you deserve this. It's called a hangover. HA. Good luck, sweetie. Bastards.
So I'm going to make a list, to remind myself of why I don't EVER want to get wasted AGAIN:
1. Acting like a fucking idiot. Examples:
a. Throwing water on myself because I was mad at Julie.
b. Texting my friend rude things that I really did not mean just because I couldn't find her at the bar.
c. Eating soooo mannyyy fries.
d. Showing my roommates my underwear a little too long because I thought they were cute.
2. Blacking out. Doesn't happen so much anymore because I'm a lady (mostly), but I want to remind myself of how shitty it is to wake up and think, Huh, how did I get into these pajamas? And how did I get this injury? And where did this taco come from?
3. Being unable to deal with unexpected and dramatic situations. When the night dissolves into drama, as it sometimes does (though rarely these days), being wasted and upset makes me resort straight to crying. That's pretty lame.
4. HANGOVERS. Specifically:
a. Pounding headaches
b. Being so dizzy it's hard to walk
c. Severe dehydration
d. Feeling like you want to PUKE EVERYWHERE, for HOURS
e. Being unable to sleep because you are in so much pain
f. Not being able to do anything but lay around all day because moving causes waves of nausea. That is a waste of a perfectly good day! Plus, weekends are meant for relaxation and fun, NOT the constant threat of barfing.
5. The feeling of being too drunk and not in control of myself. I don't like that.
Luckily for me, this stuff doesn't happen much anymore. Mostly I just have a few nice drinks with my friends and get a little happy buzz going on. But every couple of months, for some absolutely unknown reason, I seem to feel the urge to PAR-TAYYYY and end up paying a pretty big price (see 4. HANGOVER). But hopefully the NEXT time I say, "Let's go out and get drunk tonight!" someone will wag their finger at me, shove this list in my face and say, "Read this, you MORON." Let's just hope that Good Decisions for the Future hasn't already fled the building.
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