Congrats on the Sex

Have you ever seen the music video called, "I Just Had Sex," by Lonely Island and Akon? If you haven't, here is a quick synopsis: The dudes from Lonely Island and Akon spend about three entire minutes with HUGE grins on their faces singing about they just had sex and how mind-blowing it was, how they would have sex with almost anything, how their dreams came true, and the finale is fireworks shooting out from between their legs. Surprisingly accurate to men in real life.

Somewhere in this mess of awesomeness is a scene where they have a cake that says, "CONGRATS ON THE SEX." From the first moment that Claire and I watched this video together we knew... we would have to create a contest. Contest rules: The first person to have sex in 2012 would receive a cake EXACTLY like the one in this video. Not only would you get to have sex, you would receive the bragging rights of being the first one to have sex and celebrate those rights with the cake of your choice. The ultimate dream. Now, as hard as Claire, Julie, and I tried to pursue this dream, it was our friend Stephanie that ended up winning the prize. We had all (excluding Julie) explored a dating website, OkCupid.com. Claire quit after 2 weeks of men badgering her, I quit after 3 weeks and one lousy date where the guy talked about himself the entire time, but surprisingly, this website actually worked for Stephanie. Stephanie found the perfect girlfriend.

Stephanie's parents don't know that she is gay. Which is surprising, as she looks similar to a man; short hair, loose-fitted jeans, leather jackets. My parents came to visit me once with my little brother. While I was getting ready in the bathroom, I overhear Brayden say to Stephanie, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I froze, horrified. I could just see my parents, frozen as well, wide-eyed, terrified for their modesty, ready to puke. Brayden has said some pretty crazy stuff over his 6 years of life, including, "Dad! Look at that fat man!" and "Are you Santa Clause?" and "Why can't girls pee standing up?" but none of these were directed towards a friend. Stephanie ended up responding with, "I'm a girl. I know it's hard to tell but it's okay." I could feel my parents cautiously release some of the tension, heard Brayden say, "Oh. Look what I can do!" then a thump and some ooooh's and aaah's. I decided I looked good enough for public view and ran to the living room and excused ourselves from my friends.

When Stephanie finally decided it was time to introduce the girlfriend, Amy, to her parents, she made me go too. "If I bring two friends to this, it will look less suspicious than just one." She wasn't going to actually TELL her parents she is gay, because they are extremely homophobic people, so she was just going to bring us both to her sister's dance performance and introduce her as a friend. I was sitting between Stephanie and her mom when it happened.

"So Amy, how did you two meet?" Stephanie's mom asked. My smile froze yet again on my face.

ONLINE DATING!!! my mind was screaming. SHE IS GAY. THIS IS HER GIRLFRIEND. ONLINE DATING!!!


Amy kept it cool though. "At a party." I nodded my head wisely, like I was there and witnessed the whole thing. "It was at our friend Lisa's party a couple weeks ago."

"Yeah" I added stupidly.

"Well that is wonderful." Said Stephanie's mom, and returned to watching the show.

When I went to Fred Meyer to buy Stephanie her chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, I asked the woman behind the bakery counter if she had anything to write on cakes with.

"Well I could write it for you if you want." She recommended.

"Umm... Well this isn't really something you normally write on a cake."

She looked at me suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"Well it's just this joke my and my friends have... I don't know if I should tell you." I look at her critically. She's about my age, she seems chill, maybe she could handle it. "But you look cool. I guess I could ask you. Have you ever seen that music video called 'I Just Had Sex' by Akon?"

She gets a politely confused look on her face and says, "No... I haven't." Ahh shit. I can feel myself start to slightly blush. I'm saying the word 'sex' to strangers, and she hasn't even seen the video so she is less cool than I thought.

I decide to continue on though. "Well in the video there is this cake that says, 'Congrats on the sex'... could you write that?"

Now she looks stunned. Maybe it's worse than I thought. Maybe she was a nun before going in the bakery business. I hear nuns bake fruitcakes sometimes. Or is that just monks? She looks slightly awkward and says, "Even if I could write that, I don't really want that phrase going through the check-out line in my handwriting."

Time for a quick getaway as my embarrassment is slowly heightening. "Ahh, that's okay, thanks anyways. Where can I find something to write on a cake with?"

"The baking aisle." Now I can tell she thinks I'm crude AND stupid.

"Thanks, you have a great day." I practically run to the baking aisle, grab some cake gel and check out. Outside of Stephanie's apartment I write "CONGRATS ON THE SEX" on her cake in white gel which I bought because it looks like sperm, but after seeing it on the cake it's less funny because they are gay and there is no sperm.

Stephanie and Amy love the cake, and we rejoice and eat it in celebration of sex. And it tastes like chocolate heaven, even with the sperm.