Vegas, Baby!

When I was a senior in college, Julie, Claire, Katie and I took a road trip to Las Vegas for spring break. This trip was fabulous, but the mistake was driving there. Nevada should be nick-named the shit-hole of the US. I am not surprised it's a testing ground for nuclear weapons. It is brown. It is desert. It is vast. The towns are spooky. There were nuclear bunkers. There was a brown lake with no trees, just expanses of brown hills surrounding it. And it lasts for HOURS. Hours of dry, brown terrain with roads that never curve. As an Oregonian who is always surrounded by green, I felt like my soul had died and my looks weren't far behind. To entertain ourselves and to try to forget how much longer we had to drive in this soul-sucking land, we listened to music. We car-danced. We gossiped. We slept. And eventually we were seeing mirages in the distance.

"What is that?" I asked, looking to our right.

"It's like a lake... I think." Julie observed.

"But it's white, why is it white?" I asked.

"Maybe it's sand? Lots of white sand?" Katie chimed in.

"It's jizz. God's jizz." Claire stated from the back seat.

Eventually, after hours of driving in which Claire almost got a speeding ticket, we finally saw Vegas rising out of the desert. It was beautiful. It was civilization. And it was VEGAS, the playground for adults we had been dreaming of. If you have never been to Vegas, go. If you have never been to Vegas and you are a GIRL, you must DEFINITELY GO. It will be the cheapest vacation you ever go on if you do this ONE thing: Dress like a slut.

Okay maybe "slut" is too strong of a word. You just need to make sure you look as hot as you can. Wear short skirts, and high heels, and do your hair and put on all that make-up, and you will get almost everything for free. Entrance into clubs... CHECK. Drinks... CHECK. And those things are NOT cheap. I bought one drink while I was in Vegas, it was a shot of tequila. It was $10 and it was the worst shot of tequila I have ever had... well except maybe that one at Gypsy that tasted like gasoline. But anyways, a club cover fee is around $30 for guys. My advise to you is to USE YOUR HOT GIRL DISGUISES, and you will get far in Vegas.

And we did exactly that. We got hot. We wore our hooker heels. We did our hair. We drank champagne out of the bottle like Lady Gaga before going out. We got into the club "Pure" in Caesars Palace for free. And that is when the party started.

As we were not VIP's, we had to stand. Our hooker heels were like sharks eating away at our feet, so we started talking to some friendly Chinese guys who bought us something called "Tokyo Towers." Ironic? We practiced saying Hello in Chinese as we continued to drink and our feet felt like they were disappearing. After all that drinking Julie and I decided to head off to the bathroom, and when we came back, everyone was gone.

We were distressed for a minute until we were distracted by a couple guys, one of which had an British accent. So, after a few more drinks, of course I started making out with him. SIDE NOTE: I love kissing. I think of it as a recreational activity, somewhat like tennis. It is fun for both people and completely harmless. After a fun tennis match, he decided we needed to go on a walk downstairs in the casino. We sat down at some slot machines, and continued making out for a while. That's when he said it:

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

I pulled away from him like he'd bit me and stared. I was stunned, and extremely confused. "What?"

"I think I'm in love with you." He said again, staring at me intently.

I snorted, but then took a look at his face and looked away. What. Is. He. Saying. "What?" I repeated. He continued to gaze tenderly into my eyes. I was grasping for anything that wouldn't make this true. "It's because you're drunk." I said. He shook his head. I looked around frantically, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. "It's because of these!" I exclaimed, grasping my breasts. He shook his head yet again.

"I really think I'm falling in love with you. Come back to my room with me." Ahhhhh... I stalled him by kissing him again. While he continued to proclaim his love for me I got out my phone and texted Katie, COME FIND ME NOW.

"Do you want to come back to my room?" he asked me. I was desperatly waiting for Katie to text me back. "Ahh, haha, I don't know..." I said. Suddenly my phone vibrated, Where are you?

I looked around. I'm next to some slot machines. "I just think you're so beautiful, I've never met anyone like you." The English guy was saying. I smiled and kissed him again to stall for more time.

How the fuck am I supposed to find you if that is all you can tell me?! Katie texted me back. Shit. I need to be more specific. While English dude was continuing to dote on me I squinted around through my drunken eyes and found a sign. There is a sign, it says Liberty Pizza Company. I finally put something coherent together for her. "Yes, I've had so much fun with you." I say to English dude to keep his attention. "You are really cool too."

He smiled at me again. "Are you sure you don't want to come back with me?"

"Yeah... I dunno, I need to find my friends..." I need Katie to find me NOW! I kissed him a couple more times and then FINALLY I heard Katie's voice. She was with our friend Alex. I vaguely wondered where Claire and Julie were, but then she was dragging me away from English dude and he was looking after me longingly. I waved and yelled, "It was nice to meet you!" and then he was out of sight as Katie dragged me around the corner.

"Wait here." She put me in a chair in front of some gambling-for-sports TV's. "I have to find Claire and Julie." I did as I was told and waited, tired with drunkenness, curled up in the chair. Eventually she came back for me, and Claire and Julie were stumbling around about as drunk as I was... We were all very happy to see each other. Apparently they had both had their own make out sessions. Claire called hers Edward Cullen and Julie called hers 'guy Claire knew from high school.' And that was how we ended the night, walking back to our hotel... although I did have to sit down on the casino floor to take off my hooker heels that were finally taking me down.

Vegas rocks my shoes off.