What's your Animal Totem?

For a while now I've been hearing about animal totems. These are animals that have appeared to someone either through a meditation or some sort of "mystical" experience and are significant enough to claim the title of that person's totem. I think of these as the daemons in The Golden Compass or patronuses in Harry Potter. Additionally, each totem has a special meaning that says something about the person to whom they belong. So over the course of the last few years, one by one, my family members and even a few friends began talking about their animal totems. Cassy's is a horse. Mark's is an orca whale. Claire's is a doe. Sam's is a raven. My mom's is a sparrow (and a lady bug, and a wolf... why does she get three?). They all found them in one way or another, and recently I decided that it was high time that I figured out which little creature was following me around and shedding it's little light on my life.

Now, Claire may be laughing right now, because as some people know I'm not the biggest animal person. Don't get me wrong! Animals are cute. They are magnificent to look at. Even petting them sometimes can be fun. But I'm not someone who will go seek out opportunities to hang out with fauna. I am allergic to cats and I don't like being jumped on or licked by dogs. If they kept their tongues and fur to themselves, I think I would find them much more enjoyable. Also, you never know what an animal is thinking. Is that dog backing up in fear or in preparation to jump on me? Is that horse going to stand there idly or use it's leg as a pool stick and slam me like it's trying to sink the 8 ball when I'm not looking? Is that cat going to lick me or curse me with it's huge glowing eyes?

But in spite of this initial reaction to animals, I do think they are nice overall and would like to know which one is my animal guide. So one day while I'm at my moms house, I mention this fact and my step-dad Mark decides to lead us all in a meditation. We nestle down on the couches, get as comfortable as possible, close our eyes, and Mark begins.

"Take some deep breaths. Relax. Get as comfortable as possible." There's some shifting on the other end of the couch as my sister snuggles into her blankets. "Now. You are relaxed, you are floating. Your spirit soars away from your body and you look down on yourself from above, on the couch with your loved ones." I try to imagine how I look from above, and realize my mouth is hanging open. I shut it and switch positions, and try to get comfortable again. "You float even further away and soar into the sky. You are light, free. You come to a place that you've been before, a place that is your perfect place in nature, somewhere that you are the most happy and relaxed you've been in a long time. It is beautiful, and it is inviting you to come rest. Imagine this place." He stays silent for awhile, and I try to think of my perfect place. A tropical ocean, the white sand, the palm trees, the waves gently lapping against the shore, a slight breeze. "This place is somewhere that all animals could come." I add a stream flowing into the ocean, so that animals from the freshwater would be welcome here. I vaguely realize in the back of my mind that this place is tropical and a bit limited in the kinds of animals my imagination could have show up, but I try to release that boundary and allow all kinds of animals to be happy in this place.

"Now, there is movement among the trees. You see animals begin to show themselves, and slowly but surely, every kind of animal appears in this place. There are birds of every kind flying above you, land animals around you, sea creatures and river creatures in the stream. They are calm, they are waiting for you." Now I begin to feel slightly panicked. There are so many animals! Bears next to giraffes and elephants, horses and kangaroos, deer and gorillas and sloths. There are sparrows and toucans and hummingbirds and every other kind of bird up in the sky. Dolphins and whales and fish in the sea, otters and more fish in the river, turtles and seals and moose. They are all staring at me! They are not threatening but it is a bit overwhelming to have the entire animal kingdom crowded into my relaxing space, waiting for me. Also, I'm sure I'm forgetting other animals! What about the geckos and snakes and dogs and cats and lions and rats? As my beach gets more crowded with animals, and some of the land ones have to stand in the water, and the birds are running into each other in the sky, Mark says, "Now one of them has made eye contact with you." Which? Which one? They are all looking at me. Is it the moose? The wolf? The panther. No. Not the panther. Is it the otter? The panther. NO. I don't even like cats. I push the panther out of the way. Who could it be?

"The animal you've made eye contact is beginning to approach you now." I am feeling stressed. I haven't found my animal yet and Mark is moving forward with the meditation. I didn't get enough time! I try to keep looking through the crowd to see which animal is approaching me. But all I can see is panther eyes. GET OUT OF MY FACE PANTHER. You are not the one! I don't like cats, remember?! I stubbornly move around it and keep looking but Mark as moved on. "You greet the animal as a friend, you know each other. Then you say goodbye and begin to float away, back to the sky, back to your home, back to this couch." I didn't get to pick one! Panther. Panther. Panther. Panther. STOP SAYING THAT!

I open my eyes, frustrated. I didn't find an animal. I know this because I don't like cats. I just thought of the panther because it was the most exotic animal I could think of. That's not really it. For some reason, I feel like crying. This is stupid, it's not real anyways, why am I upset about this?! I didn't find an animal, so what? Maybe a meditation isn't for me. Maybe it will come to me in another way. I will just have to keep my eyes open for a significant animal in my life. Crap.

I go home feeling a little put out, but soon I forget about this. A few days later, my mom sends me a link to an animal totem website. "Read this! I think you got it right." She says. Pah. Sure. But despite my hesitations, I begin to read about the panther.

The panther animal totem is a very powerful and protective presence. If you have this creature as your totem, you are blessed to have such a fierce and aggressive guardian with you.

The panther is a symbol of courage, valor and power. The panther has also sometimes associated with the sun, and solar vibrancy in some cultures (South American, and Central American).

Individuals with panther totems are usually people who come into this world with a spiritual knowing - a deeper understanding of spiritual things. These people often are very intuitive, psychic, and many are artistically inclined.

Of all the panthers, the black panther has the greatest mysticism associated with it. It is a symbol of the mother, the dark moon and the power of the night. The black panther encourages us to understand the shadow powers available to us all, to acknowledge these powers and to eliminate our fears of the darkness.

When the black panther totem appears in your life, it is also a symbol of releasing your passions, and starting a new phase of your life. A phase in which you are discovering your desires, and living your dreams.

When the panther animal totem comes to us (whether it be in the form of images or real sightings) we must begin paying attention to the strength of our inner being - our internal fortitude, and the condition of our spiritual strength and valor. Panthers also beckon us to consider our darker side - analyze this side of ourselves and determine its motivation.

Okay mom, I don't know if I got it "right" necessarily... really these descriptions could be bent to anyone's life if they tried hard enough. But I like what it says. I like thinking that I have a fierce guardian with me, and that it symbolizes courage. Don't we all need a little more courage in our lives? I don't think my panther was black though, so we can get rid of that part of the description. So, I accept the fact that, even though I didn't want it, maybe this panther really is my totem. It was pretty forceful in my meditation. Even when I tried to ignore it, it just kept coming back... typical cat behavior. So I suppose, if I have to have a cat as my totem, at least it's a super awesome and mystical panther that lives in the jungle rather than a lazy, fat house cat that shits in a sand box and plays with lasers.